i left the warm bosom of my truest to board a flight from el paso back to LA to drive uber & lyft on new years eve
you could earn a week’s worth in one long night of party people
little did i know that the short trip from a west LA hotel to a beach club in santa monica would put me in hot water with the cops.
i had high hopes because on lyft my tesla qualifies as Black, which can be twice the price. also ppl like to be a lil fancy on dec 31.
and as i had learned from last year: between midnight and 2am on new years eve, the demand is soooo high by the beach that you could make $40 driving people 4 blocks.
the only catch is, many of those people are so happy or drunk or coked up or weird that it can take them a long time just to get into the car after you arrive, which can be crazy irritating when every minute counts.
when i pulled up at the hotel/motel it was 10pm. i wasn’t sweating it much because it really wasn’t gametime.
and yet this group was taking forever.
i try to remain calm. i do. i want to be a buddhist. but im a dirty Christian.
i try to love my neighbor. i try to treat people as i’d like to be treated. but if you know your driver is going to be there in 8 minutes, how are you not there in 8 minutes?
dont we have a little digital agreement?
i double parked, flicked on my hazzards, and waited.
i looked around, totally stoked. this was our super bowl. i had washed the car, vaccumed. i had printed out my insurance and put it in a little envelope with my registration in the glove box. i had water for everyone. snacks. gum. i had barf bags here there and everywhere.
11 years of doing this damn thing. finally i was totally prepared.
when they came out the front door i realized what the delay was: a gaggle of smoking hot babes and a crazy handsome dude. it’s hard enough for even two people to get it together and be outside on time, but that many… ok fine. get in.
the girls got in the back, dude sat next to me. looked modelish but wasnt overly cocky.
sit next to me, luckiest guy in LA, i said to the guy, but really as a compliment to the ladies in the back who were squeezing in.
whats your secret, i asked
he laughed.
it had rained a little. drizzled some. the streets were glowing silver on the black pavement. some of the palm fronds of the trees overhead had blown off but weren’t blocking the streets.
the westside is bland, true, but clean.
has everyone been nice to you today? one of the girls asked as we pulled away.
theres something about this car, i told her, it hypnotizes people into being cool.
omg love your energy she sang
i tried to get a glimpse back there but it was all a blur of hair, skin, legs, and phones. everyone was updating or taking selfies.
turns out they were from Arizona and met a promoter and they got on the list for a party near the pier.
have you been to LA a lot? i asked brian.
only with them, he said and they laughed. yep they said.
you’re their boy toy? i asked and took another look at him. yeah, he was that good looking. dressed sharp too. young, smooth face.
they want me to be their stripper at their weddings.
at their weddings?
bachelorettes! one of them corrected.
what going on here, i asked to the crowd. i think im being pulled over.
the lights werent going around me even as i pulled over.
did i do something wrong? i asked. did i go through a red light?
they didn’t think i had. we had only gone a few blocks.
i pulled over, rolled down my window. at the start of the night i put my insurance and registration in an envelope just in case. cuz the last thing you wanna be doing on a busy night is fumbling for things and having other things fall out like vape pens or knives or something that could get you in real trouble.
hi i’m officer [redacted], california highway patrol. the reason im stopping you tonight is the unlawful use of the hazards. do you have a reason?
i looked up at my hazzard light switch, it was blinking. i hadn’t turned it off after i picked everyone up.
omg im a lyft driver and i just picked them up, i said, and turned it off. im so sorry.
no worries, he said. do you have your drivers liscense, registration and proof of insurance?
yes yes. i said. pulled out my wallet. clicked the button for the glove box. handed him the envelope. then looked in my rear view to see the reaction of the ladies now that the interior light was on.
then i saw her. a fourth girl had squeezed in when i had picked them up. and she was trying to hide behind her friend.
just gimme a second and i’ll be right back, he said.
i wont be using those hazards any more today, i told brian, who laughed nervously.
the officer’s partner hovered around the passenger side flashing his light into the back seat.
whats this guy looking at, brian asked?
the prettiest girls in LA, i said.
no laughs in the back — they knew why he was looking.
do you, uh, strip for the ladies, i asked brian, trying to lighten the mood.
they wish, he said.
do women even have that at bachelorette parties i asked the ladies.
uhhhhh… one of them said, which came across as a yes.
really? i thought women don’t like that, i asked,
the boring ones don’t, the one behind me said.
brian said, i was jogging around scottsdale a few months ago with no shirt on and these 35 year old women were having a bachelorette and they said wow can we take a picture with you? and i did. and i guess i made their day.
excuse me? i asked the cop who had returned.
you have to have everyone with a seatbelt, the cop said and flashed his mammoth flashlight in the back seat where seriously one babe hotter than the next were sitting dolled up but trying to look sweet. youd go blind looking for too long.
theres a lot of impaired people out here driving tonight, he continued looking back at me due to the glare, and the last thing id want… and i understand youre doing an uber and youre doing the right thing, but i wouldnt want you to be involved in a collision whether its youre fault or not and one of these ladies or another passenger gets hurt because of someone else’s doing.
i hear you, i said.
ok.
i appreciate you, i said as he handed me back my papers
i didnt notice the hazzards on, hiding girl said.
yeah i blew it, i admitted
i heard the noise after he said it, she said.
one of the others added, he had a nice moustache
omg he DID they sang.
he was a very nice man, i said putting things away.
yeah! they agreed.
i pulled away from the curb and asked, you girls woulda been ok if he stripped for us?
yeah! they said laughing
im so sorry, hiding girl told me.
it’s ok, i said, it’s a party, everyone wants to be in the same car together. i get it. usually i look closer for a head count but i didnt wanna come across as being a creepy old man checking you girls out.
usually it’s not a problem because we don’t have brian. one said. no offense.
well i learned two lessons tonight, i said. number one, work out so brian and i can just be full time strippers.
omg everyone laughed.
he’s been in the gym! one of them said. he should be proud because if you had seen him last year – he looks so much better this year.
he was an Arizona 5 last year?
he lost a lot of baby fat, one said.
lana del rey was playing softly during the silence of all of us still in a bit of shock.
are any of you religious? i asked.
yes! brian said quickly, followed by the less enthusiastic ladies.
Lord, thank you! I said, taking my cap off and putting it over my heart. that was the closest call ive had in a long time.
i for sure thought he wasn’t gonna let us go, one in the back said.
but he had a friendly mustache, another said.
i blame the guy on the right, hidey girl said.
the hot ones are kinda nice, it was determined
among the women.