got them at a west adams haunted house
called the beckett mansion
at ten ten on ten ten twenty twenty
four
i hadnt driven in a while and it was good to be out there
it was my friday, their thursday, id done all i needed to do miraculously, at a reasonable hour
which gave me time to go to a rock show, drive my neighbor home
and head out into the streets of la seeing who would take me where.
the house was perfect, all black, glowing red framed windows
pumpkins, orange twinkly lights,
two overly costumed victorian babes with fake blood dripping from their necks tossing candy corn into each other’s awaiting mouths distracted me
and i was startled when i heard a tap on the window.
uber? a couple asked.
i dont have any signs in my windows.
dont even have a front plate.
im trying to see if i can get my esp back
yes im your guy
tony?
alex?
they were a cute young pair. maybe 33 and 30
dressed like they knew a few things about clothes
good hair, smiles, breath like booze
what the hells going on in there? i asked when we pulled away
haunted house, alex said happily, like it was worth the $80 each.
his girlfriend, sam, i learned later was his wife, so young
and yet so happy
how?
maybe because they have date nights on thursdays
and great good luck into my back seat where before we even make it to the ten i was all
was it a great haunted house?
omg soooo good!
did you guys take some shroomies?
laughter
well youre in the right car for sure alex, cindy, i said
and then, siri play california girls by sonic youth.
it was dark south of the ten and a big crazy half moon was trying to dip down in the west but something was keeping it up. there were things to see in la.
the night had barely warmed up.
what accent is that of yours? he asked me.
i grew up in the burbs of chicago, i said
cub fan or sox fan? he asked, laughing, leaning forward.
i turned my cap around so he could see
damn! he said, and tapped his wife on the leg
is that good or bad? i asked
the cubs are my favorite thing in the world next to my wife, he said
then it was me who felt on shrooms
alex and cindy were from north carolina
and were old enough to have watched wgn on cable
which would telecast, back in the day, every cubs game into millions of US homes, including impressionable living rooms like alex’s
who fell in love with the unassuming ryne sandberg.
alex’s dad was from chicago
which is why alex’s baby brother is named ryne
ever go to wrigley? i asked him.
we go every year.
get out.
seriously.
how about you? he asked.
every september, for my moms birthday.
awwww cindy said.
was she hot?
who’s not in my back seat? it’s unnatural.
but like are you really a cub fan? alex asked.
siri, pause, i said, and then
bro, we’re in la. its october. the dodgers are gonna play game five of the playoffs tomorrow
and im wearing a spring training cubs hat i got in sloan park in mesa in 2016
ive had girls kiss me and say i taste like old style beer
fully krausened
cubs in
four.
i hate the dodgers, alex muttered.
the dodgers?
i shouldnt say this because im jewish but my list of things i hate are
hitler
cindy chirped, alex!
the white sox,
and the dodgers.
siri play oh sweet nothin
you know, i said, i used to wonder if i would even date a girl who was a sox fan
oh no thanks, he said
what?? cindy asked
like even if she was the coolest funniest dirtiest bad bitch in the whole dance club, could i date her?
alex nodded quietly: nope.
like if Blackpink loved me, could i date them if they were sox fans? ok maybe. but could i marry them?
absolutely not, alex said
yeah i dont think so either, which is sad.
it’s not sad he said.
it IS sad, cindy argued
but ill say this, i said, with age im mellowing on that
you have?
yeah the world series changed me. some things im getting over. almost everything. i said. if my boo wants to root for the sox fine fuckit it’s her funeral. just dont rub it in my face.
then he said, my dad ran into yosh at the grocery store when we were visiting relatives in arizona
the equipment manager? i asked.
Yes!
wait – how do you know who the equipment manager is, cindy asked?
i turned my cap around so she could see.
yosh is a legend, sweets, alex told her.
when the wrigleys sold the team to the chicago tribune there was a clause that yosh could never be fired, i told her.
no shit? alex asked.
he’s in the cubs hall of fame, even cooperstown has his floppy hat, fuckers, they should give it back, i said, turning off the 10 onto the 405 to take them to their shockingly swanky modern apartment in venice.
why should they give it back, cindy asked?
because the Hall is a fraud, i told her. they don’t have the best players in there.
they dont have the guy with the most hits, the guy with the most dongs, the two guys who saved baseball one being Sammy mother-truckin’ Sosa.
the best, alex said quietly.
are we best friends, he asked me?
depends how much you tip me
ahahah he said, oh you’ll get a tip. but seriously, i dont have anyone to watch cubs games with. can i get your info and you can come over and watch some games with cindy and i one day?
fuck that, alex, cubs are going to japan to start the season next year. to play the dodgers.
are we going to japan?
siri, how do you say fuck yeah in japanese?