she was a big black mail carrier in uniform outside the pasadena civic center which doubled as the pawnee city hall in the nbc series, parks & rec if you ever watched that great show.
her name was nelly and as soon as she got in she started complaining about how she wasn’t able to take a lunch break all day because of some triflin’ men and she was starving and she hated everyone she worked with at the post office and–
i interrupted her because before i left for an afternoon of driving, i packed myself a little lunch that included two enormous costco croissants which i stuffed with brown mustard, mayo, and bits of that famous costco five dollar rotisserie chicken.
i just happen to have an extra chicken sandwich in the frunk, i told her. it’s gonna take us about an hour to get to beverly hills. would you like it?
oh honey, really? she sang. yes!!
so i popped open what would be the front hood in a non-electric car and got the sandwich in its ziplock bag along with a bottle of water.
you’re an angel, she said.
satan was an angel, once, i thought, but yes, it was nice to share.
we got rolling and as i suspected, about ten minutes into the ride, i learned nelly is a transwoman, born a boy, and we were on the way to see a fancy hair removal doctor in the Beverly Hills triangle near Rodeo.
the once-chatty nelly was quiet as she devoured the sandwich, poor girl.
oh my gosh, she said, trying not to swear. you got that spicy mustard in here?
so sorry i shoulda warned you.
no sweetie i love spicy mustard, she said and gulped the water down so fast.
unexpectedly she blasted into a tirade about politics and i said, you know sometimes i think half of these people say these things because it makes them money. they know what they’re saying is ignorant, but if you get enough people to buy into your brand of baloney, you can get rich.
there aint no shame in being poor, nelly said, not disagreeing. people do be doing the worst things to make money though. my own grandmother was a big ole dope dealer, she said.
what kind of dope? i asked
she had everything: crank, heron – not heroin – but heron.
what’s heron? i asked.
it’s heroin, but thats how black folks called it back in the day. im probably dating myself. im 50.
you don’t look it, i complimented, that doctor has been doing good work on you.
im about to get a whole bunch of surgery, she said. im about to get breast implants, more of this damn electrolysis, gonna get my face done…
what size boobies you want?
im getting triple Ds honey!
yes! i laughed, she laughed. we smiled in the mirror speeding through eagle rock on the 134. i considered shooting up the 2 and thought better.
if you’re gonna get touched, GET TOUCHED she said, then lowering her tone said, i just lost 50 pounds.
how did you do that?
well first i got off the drugs
which drugs?
crystal meth, cocaine…
but dont those help you lose weight?
not if you been doing it for as long… i started getting high at 11. id snort it, smoke it, buck it–
what’s bucking it? i asked wondering if i had misheard
it’s when you shoot it or squirt it up yo ass.
no! i said, maybe a littler louder than i should have, but she understood.
yes! you put a needle up in there, without the tip. or get you a small turkey baster.
and the booty hole absorbs it? i wondered aloud, truly fascinated because even though i had heard of this technique before – boofing, they called it – i never got the details answered the way nelly was educating me.
the ass has the biggest vein in the body, she noted. and i tried to visualize it, and failed.
nelly, tell me about this: on tv ive seen people putting white stuff on aluminum foil and lighting the foil to get high, is that crystal meth?
that’s free base, and that shit… that’s just wasting it.
it’s inefficient?
yeah, they should use a little $3 bubble pipe, she said in a judging manner, throwing her hand up and wrinkling her nose.
like a crack pipe?
no, and see, this ticks me off when i be seeing them talking ’bout this on tv. a man will clearly have a crack pipe to his mouth and they be saying he’s doing crystal meth. the crack pipe is a straight shooter. for crystal it has a little bubble in the glass.
i think i would have made that same assumption, i admitted.
i started doing crystal when i was dancing in the clubs, she continued. like me, there’s never room for long pauses in conversations with nelly. not when you’re talking fun topics like sex drugs and rock n roll.
which club? i asked, curious if she would tell me about some of these places i haven’t been in.
the gay clubs. i was smaller back then, she said, oddly judgmental of her booty which i assumed was prized.
do they pay well?
yeah motherfucker yeah but you gotta have that charisma honey. the first person to give me a $50 tip was anna nicole smith!
omg i love her.
then i became an escort.
oh? i said raising an eyebrow. post office nelly was delivering so much news to me i wish i had another sandwich.
i moved out here 20 years ago to be a dancer, a real dancer, but i never made it. then i started whoring because back in the day when you were transgender, we weren’t even allowed to have jobs. like who gonna hire you at a regular degular office? but the government cant discriminate or we’ll sue they ass, so thats how i got this.
but back then a lot of us had to be sex workers and i thank god every day i never caught HIV. i did become an addict, but that was later.
don’t lots of people catch those things no matter their job? i asked.
yes but trangenders, you know how many friends i’ve lost?
i am so sorry, i said, and meant it.
a lot of people who transition don’t be serious, she said. you gotta understand about these transgenders, a lot of these bitches aren’t even transgenders. a lot of them do it for the dick. a lot of them do it for the attention. and then you got these new bitches who be pansexual or fluid, she said, throwing up air quotes, or crock pot sexual.
ive never seen anything bad come out of a crock pot i thought, but didn’t say.
i started wearing women’s clothes when i was 12, nelly revealed, unprompted.
you knew right away?
i didn’t know, but my momma knew, she said.
it just felt right?
it didn’t feel right or wrong, i cant explain it. it was second nature. i just liked it. i never came out, i just felt, i never felt…. i wasn’t a boy. i could fight like a boy, but i just wasn’t a boy.
did you play with dolls?
child, i still play with dolls. when i was six i got a barbie dream house!
did you ever do drag?
i did drag shows, but i wasn’t really draggy, you understand? there’s a difference between drag and tranny, she said, and i was lost again. wisely, i said nothing.
when i was 12 i started wearing girls clothes. i got money to go shopping and i bought girls clothes.
like blouses?
girl i dont wear blouses. i started wearing a sports bra and girls tee shirts and bell bottoms and i grew my hair out.
did you buy panties?
yes girl.
were there other boys in your school who were doing this?
no. and if a boy said something id pop him in his motherfucking mouth!
when was your first boyfriend?
when i was 16.
was it heaven on earth?
no. it was weird because i didnt know what the fuck i was supposed to do. it was like a girl having her first boyfriend.
he didnt know what to do either?
he was a straight boy, it was weird. we were both–
how was he straight?
he was straight, probably still is. probably have a white picket fence and some snotty kids. we just started liking each other. it was just an attraction. for two years this went on.
two years? and you still call him straight?
yes because we never had sex
but you touched each other, i stated, leading the witness. all i do is give leading questions btw. id be a bad lawyer.
no, i didnt have sex until i was 18 and it wasn’t with him.
you guys just kissed and stuff?
yeah. thats it.
i think thats so sweet, i told her.
even though ive been a prostitute and stuff, ive always been very careful about HIV. ive been funny about sex. i dont have too many sexual partners, she said proudly.
ok but you said you were also an escort, and ive heard sometimes that leads to–
no! listen. a good prostitute never has sex with somebody. i would never allow a man to do no kind of penetration. no. no. no! so when you escort, you do a lot of mouth – you do a lot of talking. a man is paying for your company.
how much? i asked.
back in the day– these bitches today honey they give it away free. the most i got from one day was four thousand.
TO TALK! i asked in amazement.
i didn’t even talk, she said.
FIVE THOUSAND IF YOU WANT TO TALK, i joked.
no no, she said, realizing i had things confused. it would differ, she explained. but i did have to do some things. now you know, im a tranny.
i dont know anything, i said smiling in the rearview as we got onto the 405 which was surprisingly light at that hour.
lets just say you dont ask certain questions, nelly said, but you know certain things.
since i honestly don’t know anything, i kept quiet.
we was in a raggedy hotel in north hollywood. he was doing some cocaine and i just had to walk around in panties, untucked, i’ll say that. thats as far as i’ll go.
so it was a visual thing for him?
a lot of these men, they want The Tranny Experience, and ive been with some famous people, that’s all im gonna say. i dont be name dropping. that’s not right.
true and bill cosby’s in enough trouble, i joked.
never! never! she said as i laughed. never. one thing i would not do. i dont play with guys. i dont like to have guys who want to pay me to dress up and have me degrade them while they’re dressed up. some guys feel like to be really transgender they have to be degraded like that.
ok, i said, trying to get back on track, so $4,000 and he doesn’t even get to touch you?
you aint putting that up in me. i dont play that shit.
but do you play with him at all?
we can do things, she said, suddenly being coy.
Waze told me to get off and drive through the canyons of through Bel Air so i drove through the canyons of Bel Air. i had the new Kendrick on very low, but neither of us were paying attention to it.
one thing ive never done is… some of these trans hookers are ruthless. they be stealing. i never did that because i believe in karma.
well, you’re making thousands to strut around in lingerie.
no, even when i was down in my addiction, only having $60 nights or $40 nights. and some of those dates came to my rescue. i just never stole from those motherfuckers. im just not that type of bitch.
how did they rescue you?
when i got really bad in my addiction and I didn’t have nowhere to go, this lay let me come back to his big ole house and stay without any strings attached.
tell me about this $40 night, because i am someone who appreciates a good value. what were your clients getting for $40?
oh that’s just a handy dandy. let me tell you something. i aint no dick sucker, because I still believe to this day I’m gonna get married one day. my husband is not gonna appreciated me having a whole bunch of cocks in my mouth.
is it his business though?
it isn’t, but i’m an open book and I was a crafty bitch too. i used to sneak condoms in my mouth when I did have to.
good for you!
because when I came out here, it was like 2001, okay? everybody had HIV. i seen bitches, the most prettiest bitches, and 10 days later they dead. guys will pay you extra not to put condoms on. it’s not worth it. no.
good.
let me tell you about no. a lot of women don’t understand pussy, a vagina, runs the motherfucking world. and being a bitch that tries to pretend like she has one, is hard. it’s exhausting.
we got to beverly hills. she was like, oh we here?
i said take your time.
she said, see, you’re a good one. don’t let these motherfuckers break you.
never, i said. thank you for all you taught me today!
oh girl you taught me a lesson too.
i did?
oh hell yes. when life tries to turn you sour, just add some spicy mustard.