her name was kayleigh. she curled up right to sleep on her boyfriends lap as soon as they got in the car. their best friend jerry placed his bag in the trunk and sat next to me so she could stretch out. before we pulled away from the curb he said
thanks for taking us. see that guy right there in the suburban? he cancelled on us when we approached his vehicle. he said he didnt want to go all the way down to seal beach. can’t you guys see where the trip is going before you accept?
it was 1am. we were outside of the fairmont hotel in santa monica. home of the bungalow bar, where, as the beastie boys might have said, all the fly skimmies go to feel the beat mmm, drop!
i said, i hate to break this to you jerry but theres a few scumbag uber drivers out here in these streets. i dont want to presume anything, especially with so few details you gave me, but if the request comes in from a kayleigh at the bungalow on a friday night for a trip to the LBC at 1am, theres an exceptionally good chance that shes going to be hot like our sleeping beauty kayleigh snoozing away on your boy’s lap right now.
i continued
or she’ll be drunk and who knows, possibly down, or better yet she will be accompanied by her homegirls who wanna have an after party closer to home. so the driver, who may have gotten lucky or near lucky in the past, camped out next to basically the only cool late night spot oozing with drunk young goddesses and only accepted pings from prospective passengers with female-presenting names.
but once you and your bud showed up with kayleigh, his nefarious plan was ruined and he was all, yeah no, and made up a lame excuse and kept waiting for a new ping from a brenda, la tisha, linda, felicia, dawn, le shaun, ines, or alicia.
jerry was all, can we turn around and kill him?
i went like, on one hand the customer is always right, but also, im giving you the absolute worst case scenario. he might have also just needed to pee, and a 38-minute trip to seal beach might not have been wise for him to take if he downed one-too-many red bulls
jerry was getting his phd in medieval studies in boston. kayleigh and her man were from austin. they were all in town for a friend’s wedding whose rehearsal dinner was at the hotel. someone brought an escort with enormous fake cans and a tiny pink dress. he’d done it before, jerry said, and was asked not to do it again but he thinks its funny.
do you guys think it’s funny?
bro in the back giggled.
we talked about weddings and rehearsal dinners and blowing such large wads on sorta uncomfortable parties that would inspire a man to bring a hooker, several times, it sounds like. we all agreed we’d elope, except the wedding isnt really for us. it’s the woman’s happiest day of her life.
what was the happiest day in your life? i asked the dude in the back.
when i married kayleigh, he said and tried to hold his laugh but couldnt. then jerry busted. then kayleigh woke up briefly and readjusted.
how about you, jerry?
i had a crush on an instagram chick, he said. i slid in her DMs not expecting anything, but we started dating, then she got into onlyfans and one day she asked if i wanted to “make some content” with her and another OF girl and i said, can i wear a mask? so i ate some viagra and we made like four clips.
tell him the rest now, jer, his bud prodded.
and i got an std.
damn, i said, which one?
bro was all, the normal one, the herpes half the planet has.
worth it? i asked.
best day of my life, he repeated, smiling.
bro asked mine, and i turned my cubs cap around and said 2016, it was a rainy november night in cleveland
as we hauled ass down the 405, i thought about the driver with the suburban who was def probably a creep, but he might have also been really smart. driving from 1am-3am is the most profitable time of the week on fridays and saturdays. you’re almost better off doing shorter trips from santa monica to downtown and not too far away from wilshire because it’s kinda like playing pool.
when you watch the greats play pool, they look at the table and think about what their next move is gonna be after their current shot. with driving, you might not wanna take a trip to seal beach late at night because now youre in freakin orange county around 2am and all those drunks just wanna go back to hermosa or redondo or worse costa mesa or some shit and now its 3am and youre nowhere near home and you haven’t made a bunch of cash or gotten hit on by a boozy betty who smells like chanel number five and is so lonely
and sobbing
and touching your arm from the back seat.
i explained this to the men who then asked, so why did you take us?
because fuck pool. if you’re a bad ass you can sink any shot any time anywhere.
jerry was all, and you’re a bad ass?
i was like, no, im a dumb ass, who likes to gamble on the long shot which is some bad bitch might be getting canceled by some seal beach drivers bc she wants to go home to hollywood and bingo, that’s me.
kayleighs snores were cute. they talked about how she has the ability to zonk out anywhere. bus, train, plane. no white noise needed. no comfy bed.
the boys were higher maintenance requiring a cold beer or a joint or a tv being on.
i was all, you know what helps me sleep? long drives in the middle of the night with the sound of someone sawing wood near by. then i did an impersonation of the three stooges snoring and veered the tesla slightly into the next lane and laughed.
we all laughed.
men are the worst. ahahhahaa.
before we were going to drop off kayleigh and her man, jerry said, ok how do i add a stop? i go, where to? he said about 20 minutes away. i go, if you have $20 in your venmo, send it to me if its easier. he goes, but uber is saying $30. i go, professor, if it’s easier just gimme $20, im already down here.
he was all, ok. if you say so and he put away his phone.
so we dropped off the couple and started towards wherever the fuck. in the dark it’s all the same to me.
so medieval lit? i asked
yep.
is that like chaucer?
sure is!
what about gawain and that green knight?
sir gawain? youve read it?
you think if i was educated id be driving an uber in the middle of the night on the weekend behind the orange curtain?
well, i mean, he stammered….
i had embarrassed poor jerry.
im just kidding, i saw that movie the green knight with dev patel a few years ago.
ahhhh, got it. yeah. it was ok, he said.
book was better i joked.
SO YOU HAVE READ IT
the book’s always better, doc.
dropped him off at the in-n-out which was still open, miraculously. i was thinking of having one myself, but that would feel weird following my customer in there. i like to give people space. also i needed to charge the Y. i was at 8%.
there was a charger about 15 minutes away at a good price.
on the way i saw a jack in the box but it had a huge line.
got a phone call. it was doctor jerry.
im so so so so so sorry tony, i left my bag in your trunk, would you mind coming back to the in-n-out.
oh damn, sorry boss, sure.
turned around, saw him waiting outside.