she had just turned 21 that week

light-skinned girl 

long flowing hair, cute little lisp, smelled like baby powder and potpourri. 

when she read her texts she let out a surprisingly long belch and i caught a whiff of wine

omg, im so sorry, she said with a giggle.

i said, for the next 20 minutes make yourself at home. here lemme burp with you, 1, 2, 3 and i turned down the music and got a good burp out by swallowing air and letting it rip

she laughed and i said ok, westwood blvd, am i taking you to your boyfriend's house? 

she laughed, and said, oh i dont have a boyfriend

my bad, girlfriend? im so old, i shouldnt assume. 

no girlfriend either but sometimes i wonder whats wrong with me. 

wrong?

i have no interest in dating, boys, girls, all i want to do is hang out with my family and animals and go to work, she said putting down her phone. 

how about your friends? i asked. are they fun? 

yeah, but i like to go places alone. is that weird? 

baby, im driving down the 405 on a saturday night for ten dollars with a stranger. who am i to say whats weird?

the freeway was unusually packed for how late it was. neither of us cared. we were alive.

you wouldn't know this, she said, but i lost a lot of weight recently and my parents are asking me if any boys have noticed. um THEY CERTAINLY HAVE. 

right on! i said.

it's bad, she quipped quickly. all they want is to put their babies in me. 

ah yes, well that is the dance, i said, changing lanes. and an interesting one. because if i was building a house would i make a tall narrow one or a wide, spacious extra roomy one with a kickass backyard?

she laughed, burped and farted all at the same time. 

then she apologized while laughing, so i rolled her window down, which startled her and she yelped. it was my turn to apologize.

are you married? she asked. 

oh i wouldn't put someone i loved through that, i said. 

she rolled up her window and sighed, ive never been in love. never even kissed anyone other than this kid when we were both 14. 

i looked back in the rear view. it was dark, but i could see she was pretty. really pretty actually.

were you hideous before you lost the weight?

i dont think so. maybe? but i seriously wasn't interested in anyone. im still not. 

super personal question but do you think you're asexual? 

what's that? she asked. 

what are they teaching you kids in these schools? it's when you don't fantasize about romantic situations, you dont look at porn, you skip the juicy parts in books, youre sorta grossed out in movies when people start making out. basically it's when you dont wanna bone. ever.

that could be me. im not sure. 

i still dont have a camera in my car so i decided not to say anything more. i didnt think she was going to give me a bad rating or accuse me of anything if i kept talking about sex, but this was just a short trip from the valley to westwood, i didnt wanna risk asking her things like has she ever gotten wet, masturbated a few times a week, or imagined being ravished by twin dua lipas

like i have. 

then she said, what's the purpose of being in love anyways? 

oh you sweet butterfly, i said.

love is a funny thing, a double edge sword, i said trying to keep it real. on one hand ive never been as intoxicated as the first times i was in love. i couldn't eat or sleep or think or even walk straight. and i had a goofy smile plastered on my face.

so like rolling on Molly? she asked. 

YES A LOT LIKE THAT, except you don't have to do whippits as youre feeling it fade. 

wait, what?

yeah, the next time youre about to roll, go to the grocery store and get a few cans of whipped cream and then later in the night as things are winding down, inhale some of the nitrous oxide and it'll kickstart things a little more. fun fact.

fine but whats the purpose of love? she insisted. 

as you can see, i said, lifting my cubs cap to reveal a freshly shaved bald head, im an old man. i have been extremely lucky in love and ive kissed women who were all out of my league. every one of them.

sounds like you have low self esteem, she sneered, same.

i do, but thats besides the fact. id show you photos but im driving. my point is, if any one should know what love is and what it’s good for, it should be your humble uber driver. but even i dont really know. 

really? she said, relieved. 

i guess it's to procreate, but look at this traffic. it’s the middle of the damn night. we dont need more people in LA. rent is high, food is high, the tide is high, more bodies taking up space isn't the answer. 

facts, she nodded, popping her gum. 

but i will say this, i think there is something to be said about teamwork

it makes the dream work? she tried to joke. 

it does! for example this car. this is a tesla model y. i can click this button and it could drive itself and get us to where you wanna go and probably won't hit anything in the way. but it sorta needs me to make sure you're safe. together we are a good team. 

hmmmm

but deeper than that is how this car got built. it wasnt elon. he didn't even start tesla. two other guys did. and for damn sure he didn’t build any of this. other, very smart people did. and they did it by learning from the errors and successes of people that came before them. all of the tesla team worked long, crazy hours, and elon paid them really well, but they asked each other questions and got ideas from electric cars in the past and other tech. no one just showed up with a blueprint and said yo, here's the tesla Y. 

she was quiet, i had lost her. 

two naked lovers in a futon in a joshua tree air bnb can be the same way, i continued. 

what? 

when youre in love with someone, there will be what the good book calls a still small quiet. and in that moment you will look at each other in the eyes and you might have just been very vulnerable and giving and intimate and in that tender period afterwards you might actually believe them when they say they love you, and you might finally wanna say it back, not because you think it’s the polite thing but because you mean it. truly. they rang your little bell. 

omg 

but not the one you think, the one in your heart. and thats when you begin to fall. all the safety measures you've built over all these years will get torn down and you are almost helpless with your feeling and emotions in that space and you might not have even realized how strong and tall that wall was. 

and if you're lucky the other person will be going through the same thing too and you might even say uh oh because youve entered a new realm, a good place, maybe the best place.

woah

and if you ask me that's where the kissing comes in because what good are words?  however, when it IS time to talk, you might say things youve always been afraid to say to anyone, not the i love you junk, but real stuff, like real fears, real traumas, real dreams, real desires. stuff youve packed down deep behind those walls. and again, if yr lucky the other person will be there for you and hear you and understand and maybe deliver some of theirs back at you and you'll say omg those arent so bad and they'll say yours arent so bad either and of course i'll do that gross funny thing bc fuckit lets do it now. and that's love. 

ok ok ok, she said excited, full of fresh new questions. but we were almost at her pad. 

so is it ok if i just want that just once a week or on the weekends? is that selfish? is that weird? is that mean?

we were at a stop light and i turned to her and i said, your life is yours.

there life is theirs.

maybe they’ll say i cant wait for every weekend now.

really?

sure but the funny thing about true love is that nitrous lasts like a full year so you're gonna be slightly outta control for way longer than you think 

my advice: fall.

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