how had i never seen this place
and it's just 20 minutes away
so many times i want to cancel the ride right before I get to the pick up.
psychologically, this might be why i’ve never been married or even engaged.
it’s not that i haven’t dated incredible women, it’s because i am equal parts an idiot and also ridiculous.
it was a slow day of being peppered with $4 and $5 offers and i wanted to drive for a few hours and do some fat trips. so when i saw a $42 ping to go from silver lake to palmdale i couldn’t mash the phone quicker. especially after i saw it was estimated to take a little over an hour.
uber and lyft try to shoehorn us into a $25 an hour death spiral. so half-hour trips for $12, fifteen minute shorties for $6. if you take those trips you’ll never make enough profit to save up for your next rideshare vehicle after you and your passengers destroy your current car.
the keyword is profit. people say, oh youre making $25 an hour you should be happy. we would be happy if the car was free and the insurance was free and the repairs were free and the women kissed you all over and sat in the back seat and said, oooooh weeeee do i love a bald king, heres my number and my best friends number. what time you get off? and also if the maintenance was free and food and drinks on the road were free. and it was nonstop $25 every hour for 8 straight hours. but that’s not the case.
so you really need to make more than $25 an hour, which could be plausible if people tipped, but we know they dont, so I feel you’ve gotta adjust if youre gonna stay in this field.
step one, cut your expenses. in my case, i switched to an electric car whose energy and maintenance costs are a fraction of a gas vehicle. step two, take these long ass trips far away from la, even if a ride back is not guaranteed.
but by now you know the only guarantees in life: rock-n-roll will save yr soul and the chicago cubs will break your heart. so gamble on yourself while continually saying little prayers to the angels.
it was risky to pick up bebe and her kids at a silver lake children’s center. when i saw that the mom had a giant stroller, plus a collapsible wagon, plus three little girls, and mom was yelling at the kids because they had knocked over the wagon which spilled soccer balls and toys on the ground, i have to be honest, i thought about hightailing it out of there because — were the kids gonna be crying for an hour in the car? Was the mom going to be a terrible person? and who awaited us?
also, do i even like kids? even for an hour?
but they were black, as am i, and i have a soft spot for my people. i am not a nyc taxi driver who would have def canceled on that scene. i am a christian man who, even with the grace of god, still might not make it to heaven, so… i put on a smile and helped the kids and mom load up.
they were three little girls. adorable. one cuter than the next. oldest was in 4th grade, middle was in 1st, the baby was in her car seat and almost one. deandra, delilah, and dee dee, respectively.
they immediately won me over.
mom was ok too. just on her last nerve.
shush for a sec, my princesses, i asked them, i need to tell uncle elon where we are going.
i pressed the button on the wheel and said the address. within seconds the giant screen gave us directions to their destination – grandma’s house up in palmdale.
one thing i’ve noticed with tesla navigation: it gives me different routes than waze ever did over my years with rideshare. i’ve taken several trips from hollywood to palmdale. they typically go from the 101 freeway to the 5 to the 14, which is a like being at the bottom of a letter C and riding that curve to the left and up and back around.
elon routed us as a bird would fly, a straight shot. but that would take us through the desert mountain road. A two-lane scenic wonder that in all my years id never taken.
it was like discovering there was a door to your attic and finding the most beautiful treasures up there. it was green and desolate and naturey and 20 minutes from where id spent the last 23 years of my so-called life.
it was so remote that the girls’ internet and my music streaming capabilities died and for a while we were driving in silence, which if you know me, is unacceptable.
who knows a song? i asked the kids, who were being good even after the mom had warned me “they bad kids.”
I DO I DO, deandra said, but then got cold feet when she couldnt think of the first line.
who is it by? i asked.
she didn’t know.
was it… and i sang poorly, but loudly like bill murray in a dive bar, i’m not a girl… not yet a wo-man
mom laughed, the girls didnt get it.
NO, the eldest child said, all covered in a hoodie despite how hot it was outside. we’d learn later she and her mom were hit as pedestrians when two cars crashed into each other, and that she was insecure about the scar on her forehead.
mom was stoked because a big settlement would be coming any day and they wouldn’t have to bop from a crappy motel to aunt’s apartment to grandmas house.
their $75k ship was fixin’ to come in.
was it? and i sang even louder this time: a screen door slams, mary’s dress sways, and like a vision she dances across the porch as a radio plays
NOOOO, Deandra yelled laughing
ROY ORBISON SANGIN FOR THE LONELY, i continued, poorly but with purpose HEY IT’S ME AND I WANT YOU ONLY. DONT TURN ME HOME AGAIN I JUST CANT FACE MYSELF ALONE AGAIN
NOOOOOOO! the two older girls said laughing almost screaming
he crazy delilah said, directly behind me.
lil dee dee, what song do you know? i asked.
she don’t talk yet, the mom said.
dee dee was playing with her ipad in the middle of the back seat which was making sounds in spanish.
does she parlez vous espanol? i asked.
no, i think she might be slow.
i looked in the rearview at the little child, smiling at the cartoon animals dancing on her screen, smudged with fingerprints. fully engrossed in her world. she was eating the remains of the candy corn i had handed out to the kids, which i had just purchased at the dollar general because apparently halloween is somehow weirdly near.
don’t be surprised if she already knows how to speak but has just been holding it in, i told the mom. one day next month she’s gonna tap you on the shoulder and in a full blown british accent be all, mummy, may i have a spot of tea before i resign for the evening? two lumps of sugar if you please.
the girls laughed as we drove through the bright sunlight in the mountains.
i get scared going through here, deandra said. poor dear. we were up high and the roads were one s-curve after another with steep drops. some of the travelers had pulled over at a vista to take a photo on a cliff side.
white folks, momma said quietly.
do you all believe in the lord? i asked. they said yes. i said do you all say your prayers every night? yes, they said.
you know you don’t have to save your prayers for night? god likes to hear from you in the day too. he loves hearing from you. let’s say a prayer.
the mom looked at me like, yep, he crazy.
lord, please help — girls repeat after me — lord
lord, they said.
please help our handsome driver
please help our handsome driver
grow his hair back!
grow his ahahahahahahaaha
i lifted my cubs cap and said, ok when you laugh the prayer doesn’t work. focus, ladies!
let’s try a different one.
lord, please let us
lord. please let us
make it to grandma’s house safely.
make it to grammys house safely!
a-men! i said loudly.
a-men said deandra, delilah and the mom.
and a few seconds later, a-men chirped little dee dee in the sweetest tiniest voice.