my baby and i were in santa barbara for the weekend.
she wanted to sit by the pool read her new book
sip on a spicy marg through a straw
and miss me for a few hours
so i drove off towards the beach.
there seriously is no better way to revisit your old haunts than by picking up people, taking them home, delivering them from work, collecting their friends on the way
to the good creole spot next to the newspaper
and listen to the people say the greatest things.
if you didn’t know that santa barbara city college is a city college youd think it was a five star resort.
stellar views of the beach below, beautiful hills all around, and thanks to the recent spring sprinkles – green canyons lush grass colorful wildflowers and a sheen of freshness that makes you wonder if there are hidden fill lights in the parking lot.
his name was earl but on the app it came up simply as e, so i figured it was a hippie dippie coed trying to work her way through community college in hopes of transferring to ucsb, all while somehow living in IV – despite its wild party destractions.
as someone who actually did make that leap, i was preparing a short list of sage advice in my head to impress her with, so i was a bit shocked when an old timey dude with a cane waved me down as i approached.
for some reason the road on the campus was bumpy as hell and if theres one critical thing i can say about my beloved tesla y is its suspension is almost nonexistent. and something i should update when i have a few bucks.
not only is it bouncy back there, but its also loud, two things earl pointed out as we finally made it out of the west campus of sbcc’s driveway and onto the aptly named cliff drive.
whats going on in IV today, i asked him after he concluded his gripes about the shocks— which i took in, digested, and completely ignored.
i live there, he said, looking up from his phone to catch my reaction that a 75 year old man resides in americas number one college party town
but as i said, i went there, i knew there were families who either got a great deal on a house in the ‘80s just a few blocks from the beach and never left, or didn’t know what they were getting into and vamoosed when the lease was over.
grampa was the former, and to throw him a bone, i looked back at the address on the app and i asked enthusastically
you live on 6820 trigo?!
are you familiar with it? he asked, probably spying a few gray hairs in my sideburns, to which i said
ooooohhhhh yes
not every year, but most years dating back to the early ‘80s, a national magazine or two would declare ucsb the top party school. do these outlets research? probably a little. but by what standards?
granted, ucsb has a beach, a surf team, and a long street of mostly run down apartments with unobstructed ocean views. some rooms are close enough to catch occassional spray at high tide.
and a few of the coeds will sport cropped tshirts that say U Can Study Buzzed.
the cynic in me assumes these magazines create that list once a year because it gives them an excuse to take pictures of attractive college kids raging, while getting clicks from the hundreds of thousands of alums sending the URL to their closest classmates.
the only thing that seems to sell better than sex these days is nostalgia
but despite the rankings being for party *schools*, it’s actually the college towns that are being judged, since there aren’t that many kegs in the lecture halls.
been there thirty years he told me.
on trigo?! i asked again
for those unfamiliar, the three streets closest to the beach in isla vista, in order of being closest to the sand are named
del playa, sabado tarde, and trigo
old macdonald lived three blocks from a beach so beautiful, who could blame him from ever leaving.
none of us who graduated there wanted to leave either, but jobs in that area aren’t as plentiful as LA to the south and SF to the north.
the little secret about iv, goleta, and santa barbara, is theres so much accessible beach, and so few locals who regularly take advantage of them, rarely will you find yourself on a crowded playa unless you intentionally go to where the tourists go.
is it quiet that far down trigo? i asked.
the rule of thumb is, the further you were away from the campus (where the addresses start on the 6500 block and then go higher, the quieter it got. IV ends after the 6800 block so pops was probably living a mostly serene life.
nope, he said. it is not quiet as much as it should be.
im surprised to hear that, i told him as we got on to the 101 freeway heading north. so little traffic compared to LA. even during this so-called rush hour.
havent you heard, he said, ucsb is a party school.
we laughed.
oh ive heard. i went there, which is why im surprised. i hear the cops shut down all the parties these days before they can even get going.
you heard wrong, he said with a little more volume and phlegm than usual.
i heard you have to register your keg of beer, you can’t have bands, and on halloween if they even hear a stereo from the street the cops can write you a citation for some new noise ordinance, i asked, trying not to be argumentative, but genuinely curious.
well, some of that is true, he told me. but the kids still find a way.
i had the college radio station on, kcsb fm. they had segued from reggae to the news. college kids reading the news: adorable
the top story was how fbi director kash patel was gonna sue a big time newspaper for saying he was an alcoholic, but the reporter wasn’t afraid because she had like 6-7 sources. bring it on she said, basically.
what a dumb, earl said, pausing, and then, finally: fuck.
who’s a dumb fuck? i asked.
kash, earl said. this loon failed UP. providence shined down on him and made him the fbi director over thousands of more qualified people, and he can’t straighten up and fly right?
maybe it’s because he’s in over his head that he’s drinking so much, i suggested.
then for christ sake quit! earl preached, raising his voice and pounding the cane on top of my floorboards for emphasis.
i couldnt agree more mr trigo, i said. he’s already completed his year. he can write a book, go on speaking tours, tell everyone how much safer america is now and live an easy life as one of the former few FBI Directors the US has had.
but people are greedy, earl said, and narcissists, and worse: those who know they are nobodies fluff themselves up and convince themselves they should be there. while those who you want in that seat are riddled with self doubt and concern.
i love that observation, i said, thinking about it. why do you think that is? i asked.
because good people use their imaginations to find reasons to stress out and bad people use their imaginations to convince themselves they’re not so bad.
regular readers know the likelihood of a tip on these rides is always very low, but judging at how bitter and cranky this man was, i knew there would be no tip in my future outside of possibly a rolled up dollar bill and a “five stars” compliment before weakly shutting the door. so i risked it all and said something i learned at a party school.
its my belief, i said, that kash and guys like him who have problems with drinking as adults, never got it out of their system in college.
could be, earl half heartedly agreed.
in fact im hearing that not only are the kids today not drinking very much, but they’re smoking weed instead, which doesn’t really help your courage with the ladies. and on top of that the kids are terrified of having a tiktok video of them out there striking out while hitting on a girl… so they don’t even try.
what? earl asked confused.
they arent drinking, i said. they arent dancing, they aren’t making moves, and they arent fucking.
i wouldnt go that far. he said.
you hear them doing all that? i asked
uh, i will say this, he told me, ive been there for quite a while. we called in to the station a lot more a few decades ago, but not as much these days, but still a few times a month. but it has been noticeably fewer now that i think of it.
a few times a month? i said, slightly proud of these kids all of a sudden who are irritating earl probably every weekend.
what, are you judging me? he said defensively. i have a right to peace at night. even on a saturday night. that’s not a license to blow up boxes and scream at the music and blare their speakers.
i am not judging you. if you think things are too loud, im sure theyre probably too loud. but can i ask you this: if a parent asked you where the safest place for their child to be, if they wanted to get the drinking and partying and playing music out of their system before becoming responsible adults, wouldn’t you say it would be isla vista? i asked.
other than next to the cliffs, he said, yes.
so dp? i asked. you don’t want the kids partying on the party street?
i mean theres not a lot of car traffic in IV, compared to other campuses, he admitted, so yes it probably is safer than schools in the east.
finally he concluded, yes. yes, statistically, it is safe
then you know what id think the next time i heard some kids blow something up, i said, or blasting this terrible music they stream for free on the Spotify?
just have fun? he asked loudly, in an accusatory tone.
one less kash patel, i said.
and earl’s non response was all i needed to hear.