ended up in palmdale when i got a ping to take genesis to valencia
home of six flags magic mountain amusement park
turned out genesis wasn’t a stripper or a prog band that turned pop
but the sweetest 18-year-old latina ever
and her two brothers.
one was her “twin”
the other was her older brother, who was a foot shorter than her twin.
we were all a foot shorter than genesis’ twin (and a foot less wide)
what’s your name? leviticus? i asked
whatever, he said. it doesn’t matter because i kept calling him that as we drove to valencia
the older brother was 23, it was a friday and i said
this is the most wholesome thing ever, all three kids are going to the movies together on a friday night. whattya seeing?
a quiet place!
oooooh that scary one?
yeah, the older kid said, in 5d — the seats shake during the crazy parts.
whats your name, older brother?
johan!
clearly i was in a silly mood, so i was all, johan?
earlier the twins told me that they had just graduated high school and they were all celebrating before it was time to get summer jobs
so i said, ok high school brainiacs, thinkin youre so smart, who was the world’s most famous johan?
genesis giggled and leviticus shrugged his shoulders
i said, johan sebastian bach, probably the most influential classical composer ever. 17th century: the year punk broke.
id tell you about the beautiful desert between palmdale and valencia, but it wasn’t beautiful. there’s just a lot of it.
genesis giggled, but i was getting silence from the boys.
they didn’t teach none of you about johan sebastian? what the hell are the schools up to these days?
you crazy, leviticus laughed. they all loved it. we were having fun.
siri, play tocatta and fugue, i said to the windshield and johan sebastian’s iconic scary movie organ song started to go through the tesla which has an amazing sound system: rich, bassy, clear, probably to mask some of the weird noises it makes, but whatever.
you see who you were named after, johan, a master!
they were into it. everyone know that banger.
i turned down the stereo and said, genesis, youre a pretty girl, it’s friday night in the summer, whattya doing with your brothers? wheres your boyfriend?
leviticus laughed, knowingly.
wait, johan, did your brother eat genesis’ boyfriend?
not only do i swear this is all true, but this is one we cant put in the book because these really are their names, poor babies, and i wouldnt want to embarrass them in the future.
so i’ll stop because they really were the sweetest kids.
when i dropped them off, i immediately got an offer for a great ride from six flags to union station. $35. 45 minutes.
a big woman in a very big dress approached the car and a shockingly good looking smiling motorcycle rider guy wasn’t far behind.
they live in santa barbara
in her car
he’s looking for work and she sells inexpensive jewelry on ebay.
whole time im thinking, whats in it for this guy? she has one eye looking out the window, the other looking at me. is that a muumuu? shes smiling and smiling but
which isnt to say everyone isn’t lovable, but what the hell is going on here.
so i say something that i say a lot and it’s always a treat to hear.
tell me about your first date.
she says, we met on this app called bumble.
i was all, did you think he was handsome when you first met
she goes, i thought he was hotter than his pictures
i asked him, could you tell she liked what she was lookin at?
he went, yep and i liked what i was looking at too.
let it be known that these two, just like the others before them, couldnta been sweeter, but id be lying if i didnt mention they smelled like they had spent a full hot day at six flags, so i was speeding to the train station with my window down.
she told me they were engaged and she had been engaged once before, to a Black guy
i was like, i feel like i should be paying you at this point miss muumuu.
i asked, where’d you meet your previous fiancé?
oh, he was trying to scam me and we fell in love.
i was all, do not tell me he was a nigerian prince
she gasped and said he was nigerian, yes indeed.
i asked, how long did it take him to propose?
she said, two years.
i was all, two years, what the hell were you two doing all that time? video chatting?
yep.
evel knievel, close your ears. were you and this prince having EXPLICIT video chats for two years, missy?
she laughed, put her hands over his ears and said almost every night!
and at that point i had so many questions that were all rushing to come out there was a log jam, so nothing came out.
and as much as i wanted to find out why mr. motorcycle guy, who even had a cool hat, was living in a car with her, because that’s actually a level of commitment all its own, the bigger mystery was to
sexy time video this woman for two years. sure willie wakanda was trying to be an american, but almost every night? talk about a long game.
speaking of long, i had to ask her, and i did, and she covered evel’s ears again and confirmed it.
but i needed to know what they talked about when they werent playing look at this for hours on skype.
she said most of the time he complained about his african girlfriend and his boss at work at the scam factory.
the story and the stench were battling each other because sometimes a breeze would whip around the car and id catch a whiff of corn dog mixed with oyster? so at that point we were speeding through glendale when i remembered i had taken an enormous lemon from the lawn of my friends os and kim’s storybook home
and that all natural lemon was in my glove box.
my plan was to somehow retrieve it, slice it open, and have it rest on the passenger seat to create a natural air freshener because my god. but the problem was i was driving.
so i said, have you two ever seen one of these tesla robot cars and how they can drive themselves?
they hadnt, so i showed them. i clicked a button and the car took over. i raised my hands in the air to show it was steering.
then i said, but strangely the improvement i like the most is what elon did with the glove compartment.
i clicked a different button and the glove box magically popped opened and the lemon dropped out.
as the car drove itself, i leaned down to the floor and got the slightly misshappen but huge citrus
i tossed it behind me to the dude and said can i offer you all some lemon?
evel said no because, random wtf
so i said to him, would you mind cutting me a slice then please?
and as i suspected a giant knife appeared out of his jacket and he cut open the lemon and handed it all to me.
i took a bite, said omg so sour, and threw the slice out the window
and placed the rest on the passenger seat.
when we got to union station, i waved good bye, and if you ever get a ride from me, ask me what i have in my glove box, but you’ll know.