hospitals are good places to get long rides because lots of times people go there from far away for procedures and they aren’t allowed to drive home. sometimes the hospitals wont even let them take an uber home because they’re so out of it and they make a relative or a friend get them.
when the patients do get an uber or lyft, the problem here in la is a lot of drivers’ english is bad, or they don’t know how to direct the woozy patient how to meet them at an easy-to-find spot.
frustrated, the drivers often cancel. i recommend if you want to get picked up at a hospital, walk across the street instead and meet the guy at a wendys or somewhere smarter than an enormous building with many places you could be lurking.
benjy’s destination was about an hour north of la, way deep in the valley. it was a good rate. his last three Ubers had cancelled on him and when i figured out where he was, i understood why. bro was on the side of the building near nothing identifiable.
we saw each other, thanks to my somewhat reliable ESP. I motioned him to wait on his side of the road, but he zipped through traffic anyway like outta frogger. got to me. cars honking behind us, and he got in.
didn’t i say to meet me by the ambulances, up front? i asked.
yeah but when i saw you, i couldn’t risk you driving away, he apologized. it was all good. i wish everyone would run to me.
poor guy was going through radiation. he was a career plumber, a successful one. sometimes he’d manage a crew for big projects. was about my age but the cancer added 10-15 years to him and the radiation another 10. i was surprised he could move as fast as he did beneath those wrinkles and gray thinning hair, but Gen X… we sneaky fast.
were you a long-time smoker?
oh yeah, he said, smiling, revealing a few missing teeth back there. a pack-a-day for 30 years. that mixed with drinking. i’ve had a full life: women, travel, drinking, hell raisin’.
i was told it was the women that would kill you, i joked, but i’m shocked to learn it’s the tobacco!
aint dead yet, he corrected me as i flicked the music to lynyrd skynyrd.
hopefully this was my last zap with radiation therapy, he said. i’ve been making this trip from granada hills to hollywood 2-3 times a week. never fun but I’m not ready to kaput.
you’re gen x, right? I asked.
yep.
so was it marlboro reds?
exactamundo!
tell me more about the radiation, i asked because he seemed super open now that it felt to him like he is cheating death. i said, what I worry about with any meds a hospital gives me is my poops are gonna be all screwy or my schween is gonna go on strike.
i have not had those problems, he assured me and said, the thing I’m worried about are these roids they have me on. these aren’t gym house metabolic steroids. these are anti-inflammatory, very hardcore steroids. like your body shuts off making its own steroids while you’re on these. the only way to control it is by eating. alot. I eat twice as much right now.
you look trim though benjy.
my weight is how i learned i had cancer. i lost 8 pounds in two weeks. i had a headache when i woke up and when i went to sleep .
look at you, i said, most people would be thrilled to lose that weight, but you knew there was a problem.
even though i abuse it, i know my body. i knew this was not right. didn’t think it was the cancer sticks, but to quote the ladyboy: tada!
now do you see why i drive these people?
benjy said the first time he went to the hospital they did a certain kind of x-ray but it didn’t show the cancer. so by luck, the doc suggested they try this other sort of x-ray and there it was, hiding in the shadows. it was actually the worst shadow. and that’s what made it noticeable.
looking to immediately change courses from the dark and sad subject, i returned to plumbing.
ever work with any of those Toto toilets that squirts water up your yahoo?
yes, the paperless toilet. the modern bidet, he said casually, and added, it’s the greatest thing ever. the seat’s all warmed up. the water’s warm. the air is warm, and then it dries you.
it literally blows you i said, and we laughed.
are those things hard to install?
you can buy the toilet, which, no, isn’t hard to install. or you can buy the toilet seat that you can hook up to any toilet. they actually had a place on melrose where you could actually test drive ‘em.
yeah because once is all it takes to be a believer.
benjy said, people ask me if its worth it and i say, it’s some thing you’re going to use every day, sometimes several times a day, and it treats you the way you should be treated: with elegance.
pamper your bootyhole.
you know, benjy said, that should be their moto.
ok so you smoked for 30 years, i said as we were getting close to his ranch house out in the woods, and then you couldn’t any more. how long did it take for you to be able to kick that habit? did the cancer scare you out of it immediately?
no way, i’ve been smoking 4-5 a day, even through this treatment.
what?
yeah, i didn’t tell my doctor until last month. he told me the progress had been good, the radiation was taking care of most of it, and then soon they’d go in and get the little parts near the edges. so i said, hey will it kill me if i smoke a few a day? and the doctor said, the damage has already been done, enjoy yourself. can you believe that?
what a doctor.
yeah he has that much confidence that i will recover. so it makes me feel good in that way.
do you think you will climb back up to a pack a day or will you stick with just 5?
it depends. they just gave me this gum. it’s for people like me who wake up craving a smoke.
do you wake up and think of cereal or a puff on the porch? i asked.
my problem is i have a kitten that demands my attention and im a little on edge without some nicotine.
had you never had a cat before?
well, i had a 13 year old dog and she was in some rough medical waters herself. i was hoping to go through all the stuff I’m going through with her sticking around. but when i got sick i got a kitten to be friends with the dog since i knew i’d be sleeping a lot. but my sweet dog died. and now the kitten is going through her most dramatic time of her life looking for that dog in my big house. she’s like where that dog? i just made friends.
nooooo 🙁
i feel the same way. i’m used to having that dog making noise. the house seems so much bigger and emptier. i’m just sitting there. and I can’t do plumbing. the doctors say I can’t do plumbing. i’m just physically not strong enough yet. i could probably do it, but just half day jobs.
well benjy i dont want to push you over a cliff, but you never seemed to listen to those docs before, maybe do a toto toilet a day and ease back in?
my favorite half day project is… there’s now a way for people to learn, through their phone, if there’s a leak or potential flood and they can turn off their water through their phone.
get out.
and it’s only about $2,500.
and you could do two in a day once you were healthy again?
that’s my goal.
when we pulled up to his driveway he got out and said, time to get assaulted by the kitten and eat a whole chicken.